Digitized Blue Space Wang!

WARNING: SPOILERS

the Original Silk Spectre Today, I went and saw the Watchman. Considering how I had never even heard of the franchise before the release of the movie, I didn’t know what to expect, but since this was a DC movie, and since the latest batch of DC comic movies have been quite good, I came into this venture with that opinion.

While I was not aware of the back-story for the movie, I was able to quickly understand what was going on, based on my knowledge of History. Nixon was still president in the 80’s, America won the war in Vietnam, and Masked Hero’s were outlawed. However, on the same hand, I couldn’t quite fathom as to why Super Hero’s where being killed, considering the whole illusion that Super Hero’s lived forever.

This movie also seemed to continue the line of the flawed hero, much akin to the revamped Batman, and Superman franchises, however, unlike Batman and Superman, the Watchmen, seem to be flawed in spades.

If I was to break down each of the characters by their faults, I would be dedicating entire articles to each of them.
You have the socially inept paranoid outcast (Rorschach) who fills the role of a halfway narrator; a grizzled War Veteran (The Comedian) who dies in the first five seconds, but continues to populate the movie with his womanizing, heroine beating alcoholic antics, the unappreciated, under loved and undersexed Nymphet (Silk Spectre) who also fills the role as the token piece of ass on the film, wearing yellow latex, but not actually having the body to wear such an outfit (SHE HAS NO BOOBS!) but feels the need to show them a few times. The Aryan Bruce Wayne knockoff, (Ozymandias) who in the end feels that the only way to save the world is to blow the shit out of it…While we are on the topic of Bruce Wayne, the Watchmen seems to have a dropout from the Batman Academy for superheroes, (NiteOwl) I mean come on!, The guy looks like Batman, has Batman’s demeanor, though lacking the social skills, and has the vast array of high tech gadgets, though unlike the Dark Knight, NiteOwl uses these toys to replace, NOT supplement his fighting abilities.

And then we get to Blue Space Wang…otherwise known as Doctor Manhattan, I mean, as a man, I did not really need to sit through two and a half hours, of what seems devoted to showing the anatomically disproportionate, and yet expertly digitally mastered junk of the Blue Adonis. Because both myself and my other half were already shocked by the fact that it was allowed through the Office of Film and Literature, counted that Dr Manhattan’s radioactive wang was shown, no less that twelve times, four times in the one scene, now correct me if I’m wrong, but not even porn contains so much frontal nudity.

While we were laughing our heads off at the sheer audacity of a movie, that if it was a game, would have been denied classification, we noticed the Soundtrack.
I listened to the songs played in the background of the various scenes, and I noticed that I had a lot of those songs on my Zune that was sitting in my bag next to me, but for reasons unknown to me, or the eight other people in the theatre, was just why where they being played in this movie? It was almost as if the audio director for the movie plugged my Zune into the mixer, set it to Random, and said “There, that is the Soundtrack to this movie!” Either the song was played in the very center of a scene, or had no real connection to that scene, or in the case of the horribly scripted sex scene, the wrong damn song for the situation.

While the gratuitous bloodshed was an interesting change, though I felt a little uncomfortable about seeing President Kennedy’s brains painted all over the back of his limousine, though I did laugh when the Fat guy gets his arms cut off with an oddly available circular saw in the Jail. Though I still wonder just how that thing got there; the bloodshed, seemed to be for its own sake, not really necessary for the storytelling.

The only real saving virtue, was the curvaceous, Sally Jupiter, who portrayed the Silk Spectre during the 1940’s, I mean va-va-vaboom, that costume was amazing, so much so I included it in this review, the girl was built to the nines, unfortunately, her involvement in the movie was not particularly stellar, but it did reward me for having to put up with the rest of this train wreck.

Overall, I would not recommend this movie to anyone, other than to diehard fans of the Graphic Novel, if only to save you from the Attack of the Space Weiner.

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  • Comments (4)
  1. You and I are on the same page. I cannot recommend this film and Silk Spectre had a nice 40’s look.

    You crack me up with the blue space wang comments. It got old. He could have just kept wearing his little speedo and let people concentrate on the scene.

    I wrote up a take with some pics and the occasional witty comment if you want to check it out. (It is a weiner free zone.)

    http://fortresstakes.wordpress.com/2009/03/19/watchmen-2009/

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  2. I really don’t understand this penis obsession most people on the internet seem to have. Okay there was one scene where I found it pretty hard to rip my attention away from it, but that lasted about ten seconds at most. The rest of the time I didn’t really notice it, I knew he was naked but I wasn’t focused on his genitals.

    There was a reason for the nudity, it was illustrating the fact that Dr. Manhattan had drifted so far away from his humanity that he felt no need to wear clothes. If he had gone through the movie wearing shorts it would have completely undermined that point.

    I wrote up my opposite viewpoint on my blog a couple of weeks ago, check it out if you want some balance :-).

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    • BastardSheep
    • March 31st, 2009

    Finally a review that doesn’t start by repeating “If you haven’t read the graphic novel yet, go read it, then watch the movie!” three or more times. It’s as though every single movie reviewer on the planet has been bribed to boost sales of this comic. And the line in and of itself is wrong. A movie should be able to stand on its own two feet, independant of its source or inspiration.

    It’s good to have an idea of what to expect without the movie being completely ruined, I look forward now to its release on DVD/BD to watch it (cinemas are a rip-off imho, I’m not paying $15-20 for the priviledge to sit through 20-50 minutes of ads).

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    • well I cant really say that if I haven’t read the damn thing now can I?

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